I don’t know…

I hate feeling like this.

I truly do.

I despise feeling like this.

Feeling like…

Ugh. It kills me to say this word.

Failure.

Yes, I am feeling like a failure.

Right now, at least, I am.

As I sit in front of my computer reluctantly preparing myself to write my Criminal law paper, It hits me.

Like waves crashing into the shore.

One after the other after the other after the other…

Powerful.

Relentless.

And all consuming.

What am I doing with my life?

All I know are papers and pens and books and long, drawn out lessons.

All I can do is write papers and analyze texts and debate about subjects.

All people joke about with me is how someday, I am going to bail them out of jail or defend them in court.

And I like it. Honestly.

But sometimes, that feeling gets old.

Sometimes, I want more.

I want to do more.

I want to be more.

I look around me. And I see people doing all kinds of things. Meaningful things. Things they love. Things that are fun. And I want that too.

But I can’t find that “thing”.

As I start whining to my best friend about literally feeling like a failure she tells me that I have my writing. That I can write.

Yes. I can.

But… What am I going to do with my writing?

It’s still papers and pens and thinking and analyzing.

There’s nothing new about it.

Although it’s still more fun than writing a criminal law paper.

But it’s still not enough.

I want more.

I need more.

But… what is more?

I don’t know.

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2 thoughts on “I don’t know…

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