It’s me again. I’m coming to you today for another matter. For yet another thing that you need to work on. Yet another thing that you need to improve. Yet another thing that you need to learn to love about yourself.
Yes you know, the way you perceive yourself. I know how much you hate yourself sometimes. I know how you think you are worthless & unlovable & complex & that there are so many people out there who are better looking, more intelligent, more fun to be with, more interesting.
Everyone has their rough patches. Their moments of doubts & self-beating. Sometimes, it feels good. Sometimes, beating yourself up does you some good. Well it is good until it becomes the norm. Until you beat yourself up all too much that you start to believe all the nasty things. Until you relish in the pain & the hurt you inflict upon yourself.
Why would you do that, self? Why would you become so comfortable in hating your own person that you forgot how to love it? Don’t you think about me? Don’t you think about how much I suffer from this? Everyday? All the time?
I’ve quit make up & nail polish & shopping for nice & cute clothes. I’ve quit caring about my appearance to the point where it only takes me 10 minutes to get ready in the mornings. I admit, I have to thank you for the additional heavenly minutes of sleep. But as much as I love my rest, in the long run, I have come to realize that those extra minutes aren’t worth the disheveled look I have to carry with me the whole day.
And what’s ironic really is that you get mad, self, when you know you’re looking bad. You get mad & you start talking & ranting & the anger rises in you. You are frustrated & bitter & you are being so petty with the last person that you should be petty towards. Yourself.
And all that pent up anger only serves one goal: making you more tired than you already are.
It’s all a vicious circle really. Is it worth it though? Are you happy, self? Do you relish in your own bullying? Don’t you realize the time you are wasting? The energy you are spending? The harm you are doing? And the pain you are consistently feeling?
Is all of that worth it?
I’m so angry at you, self. I resent you. I’ve come to the point where I’m breaking one of the most important promises I have ever made in my life.
To love you no matter what. To love you unconditionally.
Truth is, self, I don’t love you. Not when you are like this. I know that you know better. I know that you know your worth. Where is it though? Where did you bury it? Did you bury it in the crevices of your brain in a moment of weakness where you thought everyone in the room was smarter than you? Or did you bury it in the confines of your heart because no one dared go there & explore it? Or maybe, you buried it somewhere in your body. The body you so despise for not meeting up to your standards. Which one is it, self? Because whether it be north, south or all over the place, I’m willing to dive in & go fetch that worth of yours. And once I find it, I’m going to throw its beauty & its light in your face. Until you turn blind for looking at it for too long. Until you realize that you are beautiful & smart & funny & interesting & lovable & worth it.
Until you realise that..
And until that day comes, until you, by some miracle, tell me where you’ve hidden your worth, I’m going to fight you, self. I’m going to push your darkness away. I’m going to create my own light & bathe in it. Right in front of your eyes. I’m going to learn how to love you again, even if you push me away. I will try again & again & again & again until you accept my love. Until you reciprocate my love & until you spread my love to every part of you.
I’m going to love you, self. Reasonably at first because I’m still mad at you but my love will grow to become unconditional & this time you will not be able to tear it apart. And I promise that every day I open my eyes, whether the sun is shining or the rain is pouring, whether I’m excited about the day’s events or fearful, whether I’m in a good place or a bad one, I promise to always remind you that you are worth it.
And don’t you dare fight me on this, self.
I’m ready to go to war with you.