It’s heavy. Very heavy. And it hurts. It really hurts.
This is my first thought as soon as I lift the bag full of groceries off of the floor of the crowded supermarket. Bottles of juice, several heavy cleaning products, huge cereal boxes are now slaying my back & shoulder. And not in a Beyonce let’s get in formation way. No. I mean literally slaying my flesh until the only thing I feel is excrutiating pain.
And after that first thought my second thought is that I have to carry this bag of torture home. Meaning I have to first make it out of the supermarket to the metro station & then from the metro station i have to endure the 5 minutes walk to my building. And let’s not forget the stairs I have to climb to get to my second floor appartment.
The third thought is “How will I make it? I could never! Will never!”. Yes, panic is settling. And in that moment, i’m replaying all of my embarrasements & failures during PE class in high school because let’s face it, I was never nor will I ever be a sporty.
And as my body is yelling “Code Blue! Code blue!” & my mind is chanting “Abort mission! Abort mission!”, i see a light at the end of the infernal tunnel. Someone is offering to help me carry the bag. My friend wants to help me & alleviate some of my pain. “FINALLY” my internal voice hollers. Except it all stays on the inside. Because on the outside i’m keeping a brave face. I’m plastering the best smile that I can manage in that situation, i’m down playing the whole thing & i’m denying my friend’s help. Yes, i’m turning my back on the light at the end of the infernal tunnel.
“WHAT THE HELL” my internal voice booms. “WHY ARE YOU STUPID? UGH I HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME GO THROUGH THIS TORTURE”
Shut up, internal voice. Suck it up, internal voice. Be strong, internal voice.
And as I shut up & suck it ip & be strong I can’t help but wonder why did I deny my friend’s help. And this is not the first time.
Lately I’m denying a lot of help. For example, i might be tired after a day of studying but I’ll still do the dishes & take my dog out for a walk & scrub the bathroom & clean my room. I will do all of that with a smile on my face but on the inside.. Oh on the inside that’s another story. I’m boiling. I’m mad. I’m ranting. I don’t want to do all those things. So why am I doing them?
In the last 6 months that I’ve been living alone, i’ve come to realise something about myself that I did not suspect in a million years. Something that my entourage told me time & again I don’t posess. Something that I despise but i’m also proud of : Endurance. Stamina. Resistance. Strength. During these last 6 months I have come to realise that I have thick skin. And although it is tiring because it makes you restless-At least in my case it does- it’s also a great thing to have. Because i have also come to realise that my stamina, my resistance is what will help me overcome challenges & get over hardhips in life.
And so as I was carrying that hell of a groceries bag, as my body was still yelling “Code Blue” & my mind was still imploring me to abort the mission, as my internal voice was still hollering & booming at me with anger & frustration, I plastered a real smile on my face, I drew every bit of physical strength i have in me, and with the utmost concentration, I carried that bag all the way from the supermarket to my second floor appartment. Without complaining, without whining, without ranting because my fourth thought was that I am titanium. And if sticks & stones won’t break my bones than there was no way in hell that a few bottles of juice & cleaning products would!